Haiku Workshop

This morning, intrigued by some haiku conversations started by Kris Lindbeck yesterday on Twitter, I posted a poem and suggested that we workshop it. Here's what happened, with responses occurring on Identica,  Twitter,and Facebook, though I've combined them to make it more chronological. (As I say below, you can count on me to try to make things linear...)

I'm still not a big fan of social networking sites and don't spend much time there - I'd never get anything done if I did. But for conversations like this, they're a perfect medium, and I really appreciate the generosity, noncompetitiveness and friendship of other micropoets I've met there. (I've included links in order to give credit, but if you don't have accounts at these sites they obviously won't work.)

Where we begin:

Snow melting, sky stiff

as metal standing straight up

behind skyscrapers

cassandrabeth (me): Snow melting, sky stiff/as metal standing straight up/behind skyscrapers. -- workshop poem for today? Idea of thaw, but with...

stiff leaden sky, looking like a vertical sheet behind the city buildings. Verb issues - what form? Melts vs melting? Attempt to keep to...

rigid 5-7-5. Wanted to indicate city location; "skyscrapers" not "the buildings." Left out "but": "snow melting but..." Reactions?

Kim Randall Cox: I enjoy seeing the thoughts behind your words.

stoney: I'd sacrifice 5-7-5, for sibilance. Perhaps: Snow melts / sky stiff as sheet metal / shades skyscrapers . (Hope my betters chime in.)

bluegrasspoet: I love the image. Like Stoney's revision but I like your original without the "as" - but that messes up syllables, right?

Thanks for your ideas. I'd like to get rid of "as" too - always willing to sacrifice syllabic count for better poem.

Or it could be really pared down to: "Snow melting/sheet metal sky/behind skyscrapers." Trying for unnatural sky w/ metal, concrete, glass.

Kim Randall Cox: I love this version. Spare yet evocative.

jeneva22 : "Snow metal sky / sheet melting / behind skyscrapers"? Or is the syllable count wrong? Unnatural=mix up syntax?

This feels a little too confusing for a haiku to me, but I also tend to be too linear! Thanks for shaking it up...

Incredible. The sun just came out.

forgottenworks : do you want haiku-restraint or micropoetry-special effects with this?

Good question. I think restraint, on this one.

stoney: I like your latest version -- a lot.

KrisLindbeck:  I like this one a lot.If I were to tinker:"Snow melting / opaque sheet metal sky / behind the skyscrapers." Glad you got sun!

Thanks, that's good too! There's no end to it...time to go walk in the sunshine.

Snow melting

sheet metal sky

behind skyscrapers

Comments

[Kim]

Ah, I'm no poet, Beth. I was just appreciating your work!