30. Companions

Grief dogs me through the city. At first it was sharp and yapping, close at my heels, always threatening to take a potentially-crippling nip at that exposed tendon. Now it’s merely a faithful companion, trotting along behind or beside, so familiar I can reach out and pat it, knowing the position of head or furry neck without looking.

Before, I didn’t know these breeds of grief with their different temperaments and varying demands. The aftermath of other deaths had taken a clear trajectory through shock, fatigue, and sudden tears, then gradually fading from stabbing pain and lack of control to sadness - to be conjured more at will than not - and, eventually, forgetfulness. This was the pattern for great-aunts, grandparents, friends, and cats.

The sharp teeth are gone now. I no longer wake with tears or find them welling when I think of her as living, and then remember. I am...going on, and realize that I can, and must. It’s hardest when I am sad for other reasons – when life has been wielding its unfairness or randomness – and I long for uncomplicated, unconditional love. No one will ever love me as much as she did, and she is no longer here. Facts.

That sort of loss is permanent and irreversible, so you swallow it and find – one day, sitting in a park or when a spray of red tulips startles you in a November florist’s window - that it lives, familiar, dark, and gently weeping, watering the seeds of your own ability to love, and keep on loving.

This is the final installment, for now, of this series.

Comments

[Teju]

(o)

[Rachel]

This is beautiful, Beth, and rings true for me in so many ways.

(o)

Thinking of you.

[Dave]

Beautifal & moving conclusion to a very effective series. Good work.

[marja-leena]

(o)

[MB]

Even within your personal description I find, as I usually do in your writing, my own experiences. Beautifully done.

[maria]

Thank you so much for this series -- for sharing these stories.

(o)

[Jean]

This has been such a beautiful, interesting, heart-felt series of writings. Such a pleasure to look forward to every day; by no means always comfortable to read, though leavened with humour and observation and fascinating stories and variations in tone and shape. Really wonderful stuff. I'm very happy to have been able to read it. And to know you, Beth. And I hope you will do more with this, if not now, then in time, when it is less raw.

[Lorianne]

This reminds me of C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed, which has always struck me as being his best because most honest work. Although grief itself isn't beautiful, there's something lovely about an honest portrayal of grief, the simple courage of looking & describing it somehow transforming it.

[Pica]

(o)

[Martine]

Merci pour ces beaux mots.

[Fred Garber]

The best! It really is!

[bitterroot]

How fortunate we were...are - to have mothers and families like this. You have honored the memory of your mother here, and having done so, the pain will eventually be leavened by sweetness of memory. Thank you for sharing this with us.