Thank you to everyone who commented on the previous post...I suppose 26 years does make us somewhat qualified as "elders" when it comes to talking about marriage, but I don't really feel that way because this partnership is both familiar and ever surprising. It changes naturally, and also because of the unexpected: as a wise surgeon friend used to tell us, "you never know when life will throw you a curve ball."
In the comments, Lorianne asks if I might speak a little about what I learned from my brief first marriage, and what couples should NOT do, as opposed to some of the things I suggested they should. Well, OK, even though I am a believer in "being careful with your 'shoulds'" I'll give it a try. And I also want to make it clear that I'm talking here about all committed relationships, not just marriages, especially since many same-sex couples don't yet have the benefit of the choice to marry, but are equally committed to staying together.
What I learned:
Don't marry for the wrong reasons: for example, because you don't know what else to do, or because you're afraid to break up or be alone, or because you have a great sex life but not much else in common. Many couples already have warning signs that the relationship is troubled, unsatisfactory, or incompatible in certain ways. We certainly did. Marrying won't fix it. Neither will having a baby, buying a house, moving, or a lot of other things people do to try to "make things better." Some people marry out of duty, or because they don't want to hurt the other person. It's a lot better to suffer the pain now and break up than to have to disentangle your lives later when children, family relationships, and common property can make it much more complicated and painful.
Don't rush into it. People have a lot less pressure to marry quickly now, and I think that's good. It takes at least two years for clear eyes to see through the intensity of the physical passion and romance that often dominate a young relationship. A lot of failed, short marriages might not even happen if couples just waited until the relationship got more mature. Though we didn't see it or acknowledge it, the relationship with my first husband had peaked and was already on a downward trajectory when we had the ceremony; it only lasted another year and a half - and we had lived together for about the same amount of time before marrying.
People's true colors come out over money. Know your own and your partner's attitudes about earning, working, spending, and saving. Talk seriously and honestly about how you're going to handle your money ahead of time, and identify potential problem areas. How did your families of origin deal with money? If you are very different about this aspect of your shared life, it's going to make big problems and you had better think about it now. J. and I have always pooled all our money and we have very similar work ethics, while in my first marriage my husband and I had separate checkbooks and very different attitudes about work, spending, and saving - as well as the role of money in our lives.
It's hard to sustain a relationship when your basic values are quite different. As with financial matters and attitudes about work, couple who are far apart on social values, politics, religion, child-rearing and so forth tend to have a lot of trouble. I think it's much more possible to bridge ethnic and cultural distances in a marriage - as we've done - than to live with someone whose basic outlook on life is very different from yours. My first husband was much more conservative than me politically, he was very secular, and less open to people of other races and social backgrounds. We had quite different educational backgrounds too. He was interested in having a good time -- and he was a lot of fun -- I was much more serious and intellectual. These basic difference affected our choices of friends and how comfortable we felt with each other's friends from before the marriage, and certainly afterwards: a clue we should have picked up on a lot more quickly.
Are you complementary as well as compatible? Differences can be exciting and also useful. If you like to cook and she doesn't, that can be just great so long as she's willing to handle something else, like the bookkeeping.
Know how you both deal with difficulties like conflict, disappointment, failures and insecurity. Is your partner jealous? Insecure? Demanding? Are you? Do they need a lot of time alone, and can you handle that? Are they loyal to their other friends? Do you have constructive or destructive arguments? When you have individual problems, do you include and confide in each other? Is your partner your best friend? Do you truly comfort each other? Do you feel you both have the maturity to handle a major problem like serious illness, or the loss of a job, or an enforced move?
How does it feel when you work together on a project? Does one of you need to "be the boss" all the time, or is there give-and-take? Is there genuine respect between you?
Are you genuinely giving and supportive of each other? When you look deeply into the relationship, do you feel that this person really knows you, and cherishes you for who you truly are? Do you really know and cherish them? What matters to them the most, and are you willing to help and encourage them in that direction, or do you perhaps feel dismissive or even threatened by it? How well do they know and respond to you in that regard? Do you have hopes and dreams in common? Can you say that you really like this person as well as love them? Has your relationship already grown and deepened over the time you've known each other?
Can you imagine growing old together? My maternal grandparents were married more than 60 years, and my parents nearly that long. When I told my grandmother that J.and I had decided to marry, she was happy, and said, "If you and he think you'll always be glad to see each other and have something to say to each other when you wake up in the morning, and don't go to bed angry with each other, you'll be OK." I can't say we've never gone to bed angry, but we certainly try not to, and we're still happy and grateful to see each other when we wake up. I don't think we've ever felt bored with each other, which is good, since we are actually growing old together now!
None of us are perfect. Failures happen, but every relationship has its positive aspects. I'm very grateful to my first husband for many things he taught me - both in a practical sense, and about myself - and for all the good times we had together, not to mention the fact that without him I doubt if I would have moved to New England. I'm very sorry for the ways in which we hurt each other - but I think and hope we both grew as a result. We've both been married to other people for a long time now; I'm not sure we would have been as wise in our second choices without the experience of the first one. Life goes on, and we have to pick ourselves up, learn from the experience, and have the courage to risk our hearts and love again.
"If you and he think you'll always be glad to see each other and have something to say to each other when you wake up in the morning, and don't go to bed angry with each other, you'll be OK." There it all is in a nutshell. The straightforward wisdom of our elders.
Posted by: Planethalder | August 07, 2007 at 02:34 AM
Thank you Beth.
If I ever find another person willing to share my life then I will sit down with him to read this first.
Posted by: Mouse | August 07, 2007 at 06:00 AM
Thanks, Beth, for taking me up on my challenge. As much as I liked your previous post, I think I like this one even better, probably because you pinpoint here some of the mistakes I made the first time around. I guess some of us are "experiential learners" who have to touch a hot stove instead of heeding elders' warnings. I'm just grateful to live in a culture/time when divorce is an available option for those of us who insist on learning things the hard way.
Posted by: Lorianne | August 07, 2007 at 01:21 PM
Your post reminds me of the saying "love is not two people looking at each other; it's two people looking in the same direction." Although it's a bit trite and oversimplified, there's also a whole lot of truth in that saying.
Posted by: blork | August 07, 2007 at 01:35 PM