Love on the Tracks

In the comments to the previous post, Planethalder (happy birthday today!) asked for some wisdom about growing a marriage to 26 years. I'm not sure I can do that; every relationship is different and all have different joys and stresses, plus the simple fact of fate - the changes and life events none of us can control. Lots of long marriages are more the product of inertia or passivity than active work, and in some the reality is that one person has compromised and given much more than the other, to maintain some semblance of harmony. So the mere fact that a marriage endures doesn't say that much. But if both people say they're happy, and that the relationship has been fulfilling and part of the source of that happiness, then that's another story. Since J. and I are both in that latter category, I'll try to offer a few thoughts.

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. People who don't love themselves have a hard time loving others and being in relationships; people who are excessively needy have unreasonable expectations. Marriage doesn't mean less of a commitment to work on yourself; it means more of it, and that continues forever! A loving partner can be a mirror, but that mirror has to be held up in love and trust. Neither marriage itself nor the other person can make you a happy or serene person; you have to find that inside yourself and bring it to the marriage. If each person tries to do that most of the time, then there is resilience in the relationship that can help during the times when we do feel less than whole and need to lean on the other person.

A promise to stay together requires loyalty and steadfastness. You have to accept that there will be rough times and conflict. We've had our share. But we have tried not to see leaving as an option; our marriage is like a room with a door that we close when things get difficult, and we go into that room and try to work things out together. We don't go running to friends to family to complain or escape; we've also asked for help when we've really needed it - not so much from professionals, but from trusted, often older friends who we talked to together. If you need help, don't be afraid to get it, but pick your counselors very carefully and do it together.

Good communication is key, but it requires work. We have always had a business together too, which creates changing demands on our time. We regularly have to sit down and reassess who is doing what, and if things feel fair, balanced, equal, and if not, we change the balance so it feels better. Don't get stuck in ruts; be willing to shake things up, change responsibilities.

Both of you have to be willing to compromise, both on big things and little ones.

Nurture your intimacy. Keep your sex life alive.  Enjoying each other, choosing to spend time together, making time for intimacy and laughter are crucial, I think. It's so easy to get caught up in responsibilities and daily life and taking care of other people rather than each other, and pretty soon one of you feels  neglected and hurt. Don't forget each other or take each other for granted. Praise each other, and affirm and nurture the things that are of deepest meaning and importance to your partner.

Remember that you've married his or her family too. We have to accept the other people who come with the marriage, and learn to love them even if it's difficult, and even if they are quite different from our own family of origin. Lots of marriages break up over this; it can take a lot of work to figure out how to deal with the in-laws. The key for us has been acknowledging that by forming our own union, we became our own family, and that took precedence over previous family ties. If you're firm about that and set boundaries that are acceptable to you as a couple, and start from that place, a lot of external family conflict, manipulation, and  misunderstanding can be avoided, and the family dynamics will have less chance of negatively impacting your own relationship.

Consider that there may be a higher purpose for your partnership. It's often helped me to step back and think about why my husband and I are together. Whether you have spiritual views that include this sort of thinking or not, it helps to remember that committed relationships give us one of our best opportunities to grow, both individually and together. We are meant to grow throughout life, to become more fully human and more fully who we are meant to be. Relationships can help or hinder that; sometimes of course, we've gone as far as we can and the relationship can no longer serve that purpose. Love is a very healing and powerful force and if we go in the direction of love, with patience and a sense of wanting the best for the other person, the rough places can sometimes become plain, and a way opens.

We've been lucky, too: we found each other and it's worked out, and some of that is simply good fortune as well as work. The end of a marriage is not necessarily a failure; it happens. I had a brief first marriage that ended in divorce. I learned a lot from it, and we both moved on.

I hope that helps a little; may your marriage be happy and fulfilling for both of you!

Comments

[Lorianne]

Beth, thanks for this. Whenever I find myself thinking that having a failed marriage under my belt means all of my relationships are destined to fail, I like to think of those folks I know who have been happily, successfully married for many years their second time around. You should know that you are at the top of that list of folks I like to think of!

As I think over the things you've listed here, I wonder if sometime you might blog the things you learned from that brief first marriage that ended in divorce. Here you list the things a couple should do...did that first marriage teach you anything you feel couples shouldn't do?

[Kat]

What a lovely and inspiring post, Beth! I feel quite lucky to have had the example of a marriage like you've outlined above as an example to me in my parents. As J and I get closer, I see even more how lucky I was, and how hard they worked! Best to you and your J., and we really should get together for a visit soon. Maybe when it cools down a little?

[Jean-Olivier]

Lorianne: I currently have an aunt and an uncle that clearly "stay together for the children". This means not working on the marriage but not divorcing. Knowing what the kids (and everybody else...) go through because of that, I would say that this is one thing NOT to do. My parents divorced after 16 years of marriage (I was 11) and I have grown to appreciate they did...

P.-S. Wow, "Lorianne" is a very pretty name...

[Planethalder]

Beth, thank you. This post is simply inspiring. I am so excited being on this journey with M. My own life has undulated through highs and lows and so will my life with M. I am up for this new life-long adventure together.

[Rachel]

A beautiful post. Thank you for this.

[margaret]

How lovely. And how true.

[Allan Smithee]

visit your blog on a daily basis via http://redemptionshoes.blogspot.com/

a young couple I know just got married this past weekend. you might enjoy their pics.

http://www.joshgoleman.com/blog/

[bobbi]

Great post! This year we celebrate our 36th anniversary and both of us still feel so lucky to have found each other.

[jo(e)]

Oh, I like this list. My husband and I have been together since 1978, married since 1984. I think the first item on the list might be the most important one ....

[Peter]

There is no necessity that, long marriages should be one person compromise than other much and passivity. There are lot of couples living together for longtime with much happiness and love like us,I'm carrying the same amount of love for more than 30 years on my wife, and she too...

[lisa]

nice reminders and tidbits of wisdom all around. thanks.