My goal was to reduce our library by half. I don't think we made it - this was yesterday, and the shelves are bare now - but we came close. This follows a similar reduction a year ago. Sigh. I was so tired this afternoon that I went back to bed for a nap; yesterday at one point I put my head down on the dining room table and fell asleep like a little kid in first grade, taking a nap on her desk.
The fatigue is physical, for sure, but I've actually been sleeping better the past few nights. I think a lot of it is emotional though, the result of making decision after decision, of repeatedly holding my past in my hands.
Yesterday a friend wrote me a kind and thoughtful letter, speaking about how moving can be a spiritual practice. One reason is that it forces us to compare who we are now with the person we used to be, and to think about how we have grown but also about the ways we've deviated from our true selves, from our hopes and dreams and the path we set out upon when we were young, before all the disappointments, obstacles, compromises and seductions of life. Because I've lived in the same place for the past thirty years, and had already saved a good deal from my even-earlier past, I've definitely been confronting those contrasts, and thinking hard.
I'm also grateful to have options at this point in life. So many people don't, and so they live with their regrets.
Hey. The sun just came out!
It is hard to deal with the past, physically and mentally, when sorting and moving. Interesting to think of it as a spiritual practice as well. Soon you will be finished, think of that.
May I ask a mundane question, Beth? What are you doing with all the books you don't keep? I hate to throw anything away yet it's hard to find homes for some old books for we all have too many... actually too much of everything including parents' stuff.
Posted by: Marja-Leena | July 07, 2009 at 04:28 PM
Hugs, Beth.
Posted by: dale | July 07, 2009 at 05:59 PM
I was in somewhat the same situation about 3 years ago, leaving a home of 40 years and difficut it was. I needed to leave the work it entailed as I have always believed that a house is like a person always in need of upkeep. And I was running out of upkeep.
My largest problem was by books. I sold many to a book dealer in Kansas with the request they get in the right hands. A request I'm sure was repected. The ones I did not bring with me when to the local University with many being placed in the collection. Now living a block away I can always go and take one out for a month. Yes, the University allows any resident of this town that has a Public Library Card to take out five books at one time, anytime. I always wondered if any other Universities allow this practice?
Beth, you left much behind I sure, but you will always have those memories....
Posted by: hal lewis | July 07, 2009 at 07:04 PM
First I wanted to say that even people with options can be swamped with regrets
but I hadn't really reflected much on that
and then I wanted to tell you to bring the stars from the window
but that felt bossy and inappropriate
and then I wanted to tell you I know how to make them
but I'm sure you do too
and they are so fiddly, really,
and in the end I almost didn't write at all
so I am sending you my silence
it is an appreciative silence
in the face of your fatigue and progress and all of it...
Posted by: Vivian | July 07, 2009 at 10:20 PM
Someday we will have to face the decision to move or continue taking care of two houses on three acres. Two houses we built ourselves, with our friends, and three acres we have gardened and built ponds in and fenced so the cats can happily roam from one house to the other. I can imagine living another life, but I can't imagine how we would get there. And I have no idea where it would be. I imagine I would like living near a small town but not in any of the ones I know near here.
Six weeks of rain here so far this summer, with a couple of bright days. May was lovely though and I got the garden in. Luckily it's on a hill and well drained. The farmer's fields by the river are wet and sad looking and the corn short.
Posted by: zuleme | July 08, 2009 at 08:22 AM
Thank you all...I love hearing your reactions and your own stories as I relive/remake my own.
Posted by: beth | July 08, 2009 at 01:26 PM
Kia ora Beth,
Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb
Posted by: Robb | July 10, 2009 at 06:54 PM
I bet Alexandria won't be as cozy!
Victoria urges me to think through my books every once in a while, and when I do, I usually find several that I'm done with. But almost half of your books! I think you must have changed quite a bit in thirty years, Beth, to find so many books you're done with. That sounds like a good thing.
Keep those power naps coming!
Posted by: Peter | July 10, 2009 at 09:25 PM