Tango

Yesterday we went to a wedding. The bride and groom are both talented, accomplished professional musicians  -- both organists -- who will be making their first home in England. Our choir sang for them. From the loft, on an extremely hot and humid day, I watched the bride walk down the aisle toward her waiting husband-to-be; she in an elegant strapless white gown, carrying a sheaf of delphinium and calla lilies; he in a morning coat. Over the past four years I've watched her grow from a gifted, determined, but less confident young woman into this poised, mature, accomplished and beautiful woman who was walking now, with grace, toward her new life. And I cried a little, as I always do at weddings, because even with all their hope and joy, no young couple can possibly know what they're getting into.

Tomorrow, J. and I will have been married for thirty years. We laughed with H. and D., the couple who married yesterday, that their marriage followed right after a royal wedding, just like ours did: we were married the week after Charles and Diana. Our wedding, and theirs, were both a whole lot simpler, and, fortunately, we've been a lot happier. "Be happy forever!" I told H. as I hugged her after the ceremony. Her face lit up, as it does when she smiles, and she said, "I really think we will be!"

What does it take, this elusive thing called happiness? One thing I think I see now, that I didn't then, is that happiness doesn't mean the same thing. No one, and certainly no two people together, can maintain the bliss that they feel when they fall in love and embark on that crazy promise to spend their lives together. Staying together becomes work at times. Hard work. It also takes some luck, a lot of patience, and a sense of humor; it requires a growing sense of one's own self as an individual as well as a partner, and an increasing flexibility to allow the other person to be who they are meant to be, and to see the beauty not in some idealized notion of what the other person and this union ought to be, but in what they are at any given moment. And frankly, sometimes it's better to let it go and move on.

We've been fortunate. It's been, and continues to be, an adventure. We're still growing and changing, and have become not only "the protectors of one another's solitude," as a dear friend remarked about his own marriage, but the protectors and defenders of each other's quirkiness. One day, we may be protectors of each other's dignity.

What a beautiful and insane endeavor; how much we expect from it and from one another, and how far we fall short! But as the tango shows us, there are infinite ways for human beings to dance together.

 

 

Comments

[Martine]

Happy 30th anniversary to the great match that you are! You two are an inspiration, not only together, but also separately.

[Lorianne]

Happy anniversary to you both! I love what you say here, and the photos you use to illustrate it.

[Peter]

"We've been fortunate. It's been, and continues to be, an adventure. We're still growing and changing, and have become not only "the protectors of one another's solitude," as a dear friend remarked about his own marriage, but the protectors and defenders of each other's quirkiness. One day, we may be protectors of each other's dignity."

I like that part a lot. Congratulations, Beth!

[Lorianne]

PS: J (my J, not yours!) just emailed me this link, which seemed relevant to what you say here: http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/weddings/articles/2011/07/31/todays_overwrought_weddings_have_us_focused_on_all_the_wrong_things

Is it any wonder so many young couples have no idea what awaits them, given our society's emphasis on the ceremony over the marriage itself?

[Marja-Leena]

Happy happy 30th Anniversary to you both, Beth and J! I too love what you say so very eloquently that it brought a wee tear to the corner of my eye as I think of our own long marriage too.

[Leslee]

Oh, that's lovely. Happy 30th anniversary to you and J. Much love.

[sitiaishah salim]

Happy 30th. Anniversary to both Beth and J.

[Laura]

Happy anniversary!

[Mary]

Happy anniversary, Beth, and many, many more!

[Relatively Retiring]

Happy anniversary, and many more to come.

[Jean]

I'm reading this on the morning (very early morning in Montreal) of your anniversary, thinking of you and J and sending you all my love and congratulations and best wishes xx

[Kat]

Oh, congratulations! I look forward to my own reflections on a 30-year marriage some day...

[Dodo]

As an African and a writer, I must confessed that I really enjoyed reading your story and your observation. Congratulation on your long lasting marriege. The fact is its never easy to be marry to the same partner for thirty years without some challanges.
Keep your love flowing and learn how to stay constantly Happy.

Regards.

[Risa Denenberg]

Love the line: One day we may be the protectors of each other's dignity. So important to acknowledge the journey's end. May it be so.

[Hattie]

I've been reading all about your wonderful summer. We have been traveling around in the Pacific Northwest, visiting friends, attending various family events and festivals , and we are intrigued by the many ways people are living today. Most everyone we know has found a rich way of life in spite of all the bad stuff.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful writing and photos.

[Natalie]

Many more happy days, Beth and Jon. And what a perfect photo of that dancing couple to illustrate your lovely post on marriage. Let there be more dancing in couple-dom!

[marly youmans]

Many more returns of that day--bushels of joy to you! Lovely post. (And I thought we were doing good at hitting 24! Good work, Beth and Jonathan. There's nothing like hanging in there...)

[rr]

Thank you for this beautiful evocation of something real and precious, alive and changing, past and future. Everyone's said what I wanted to say, but better! So, er, congratulations!

[Dodo]

I dont really know the name of the dance going on here in this pictures. But I think they are really lovely and enticing. You know in Africa we like to listen to music and dance.
Nice steps here. Pls keep the feets the body busy with your rythmn.
Regards.

[Christian Louboutin Outlet]

It sounds like a lot of you are interested in making a quilt with giant patchwork letters, so I think a quilt-along is in order. Starting Wednesday, August 3, I'll lay out my process for planning the layout, making and attaching the letters and making a matching back for a "billboard quilt" with the message of your choice.