My friend Marly (we'll be hearing more from her soon) linked to an article in The Guardian that I thought might ring some bells with the readers of this blog. A palliative nurse studied and then listed the top five regrets she's heard expressed by her patients at the ends of their lives. None of them surprise me, but the good thing is that most of us can do something now to minimize our regrets later. Here's the list, with the nurse's own comments, and then mine in red.
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
What would "the shape of a life true to myself" really look like to you, today? None of us can live all of our dreams, but a lot of us put off doing even simple things that don't cost money. Why? Are we afraid? If so, what are we afraid of?
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
It seems like most of us have to work too hard today, just to pay the bills and take care of our families. Given that working is a baseline reality, what simplifications in lifestyle would we be willing to make in order to have more free time, for instance?
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
Most of us make compromises between being brutally honest/expressive with our friends and families, and being kind and loving andkeeping the peace. Writing and art are one way to get our real feelings out and deal with them in a healthy way...so if working, over time, on our close relationships to improve communication. What do you do? What don't you do?
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
Social networking, here we come! Seriously though, do you feel that the internet has improved the quality of staying in touch with the people you care about? I do, actually...though it takes a huge amount of effort and time.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
As I've gotten older, I've come to feel this is often true. I've learned that lots of the time what I really need to tell myself, if I'm feeling out of sorts or resentful or unhappy, is to lighten up, smile, take some deep breaths, let it go, get busy on something, take my mind of myself, i.e. allow myself to be happy. But what do you think? Is that unrealistic? How much control do we have over "letting ourselves be happier?"
The pattern I see in these five regrets is that we allow others to dictate our lives too much; we get overwhelmed with work and responsibilities; and we're afraid to take risks. I'd add one more that doesn't appear explicitly: we make excuses and blame others for our own problems and regrets, often all our lives long! Is it too late to change, to be courageous? It's always hard, but I don't think it's ever too late to make changes, to take some risks, to live more fully. And better late than never.
thankyou for posting this Beth - number 5 especially. It doesn't work in a simple or instant way, but subtly and with good attention, we can develop greater capacity for happiness, is my experience.
Posted by: Fire Bird | February 16, 2012 at 04:14 PM
Interesting responses and questions--shall have to link to the post... Still considering mine. Or not quite considering.
Posted by: marly youmans | February 16, 2012 at 04:23 PM
Interesting -- and while the first 4 are not surprising to me, the last one is. As I am getting older, I find that happiness (or if not that, at least unhappiness) can be a matter of choice. Not always easy to follow up after making the choice, but practice helps.
Posted by: maria | February 16, 2012 at 05:11 PM
The quick typing fingers that turned IS into IF in item 3 (!!!) belong to a you who has wrestled with many of these questions one way and another. But I hope you aren't expecting quick answers. I will do a writing practice on each one in the week ahead and share if it seems true.
Posted by: Vivian | February 17, 2012 at 09:27 AM
We all know in our hearts the way to live without regret, in full appreciation of what is in our life now. And yet we all get pulled away from it--why does that happen do you think?
Posted by: Lilian Nattel | February 17, 2012 at 11:16 AM
Thanks to everyone who's commented so far. Vivian, I'm looking forward to what you discover in your journal practice. Lilian, I think it's complicated. Many of us don't want to hurt the people closest to us, and also don't want to be alone, so we make compromises that take us away from our true or deepest selves, choosing a middle ground. And is that bad, necessarily? I've known people who really didn't compromise, and lived life exactly the way they felt compelled to do, or wanted to do, and they may have died without regrets but they also left ruined relationships and a lot of hurt and pain, especially in their children. I don't think it's so simple. Not having regrets may mean being at peace with your choices, feeling you did your best, and knowing that you tried not to compromise on your basic values. It kind of depends on what we actually think life is about, doesn't it?
Posted by: Beth | February 17, 2012 at 01:33 PM
It seems very complicated. Shall we say our truest, deepest self is solitary? or not? You've hit it with your last comment, I think: "...depends on what we actually think life is about.."
Posted by: mike | February 17, 2012 at 07:38 PM
Mm. Thanks for this.
Posted by: Peter | February 17, 2012 at 09:35 PM
Somehow, I find a connection between your post and this interactive feature I came upon this morning. I think you would appreciate the questions it asks of us: http://www.dreamsofyourlife.com/
It's a companion piece to a BBC documentary I would really like to see: http://dreamsofalife.com/
Posted by: Martine | February 18, 2012 at 01:06 PM
This article came up on FB recently but no such thing as too much here and thanks for the commentary.Wisdom at the end.. perhaps this is what Kierkegaard meant with "life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards".Real change as you allude to is difficult,its incremental,and a daily struggle.There is backsliding.So I wonder if these patients were miraculously given more time would they reorder their lives because of these insights or would they go back to a lifetime of self defeating conditioned responses.Some would reorder but i am afraid i am drawn to the cynicism of Seneca "We often want one thing and pray for another,not telling the truth even to the gods"
Still.I am on the periphery of the climbing community out here in the West.There are acidents sometimes involving the death of appallingly young people.There was one last month of a young woman from near where i live in an acident in Patagonia.People sometimes say at these funerals that at least this person died doing what he/she enjoyed.I find that trite and unsatisfactory.In the case of the Patagonia acident the young woman's obit ended with a part of a poem found in her journal.It was the ending to Mary Oliver's "The Summer Day"
"Tell me,what else should i have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me,What is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?"
Yes what indeed.So very important stuff.I hope you keep posting asking the big questions
Posted by: john | February 19, 2012 at 03:59 PM