Present Moments: Our Own, and Others'

Young woman on the metro, watercolor in sketchbook, 6" x 9".

Happy Thanksgiving. We celebrated last weekend with my sister-in-law and her husband, and since we're in Canada, it's an ordinary day today for most people. However I'll probably never feel that way - Thanksgiving was such an important holiday for my family, and a time when I almost always traveled home to be with them. When possible, we've also tried to celebrate it with friends; I love the feasting and gathering aspect of the day but most of all its meaning, as a time to be grateful.

Gratitude isn't so easy these days when it often feels like the whole world is falling apart at the seams. I think we all hoped that as the pandemic became more manageable and understandable, the world would somehow "come round right" but the exact opposite has happened. My coping practice, not just when it all becomes overwhelming, is to try to stay in the present moment, using all my senses to be mindful of what is going on, and all that is good in my life right now. The attention begins with the breath and moves out into the immediate environment, and I often recall the words of a Zen teacher: "When we manage to focus on the present moment, we usually find out that it is all right." Obviously, nobody can stay there for very long, but even a few minutes of mindful attention bring me back to my center and greater peacefulness, and then I'm more able to cope with whatever needs to be done. And, God knows, I have so much to be grateful for.

Robbie, a regular commenter on this blog, suggested that a little less seriousness and a bit more entertainment here might be something to consider. I don't know that this blog will ever fall into the category of "entertainment" but I agree with him that a lighter tone or perhaps more anecdotes might be good for me too. Like my father, Robbie makes a point of engaging the people he encounters and seeing if he can make them smile. What a lot of readers probably don't know about me is that I do this too, and always have; I found the taciturn and private nature of New Englanders a big challenge! Here, speaking a minority language can also create difficulties in making connections, as I found when I lived in a French-speaking area, but there are so many other ways to do it -- as children, pets, music, knitting, and urban sketching make clear! And frankly, it hasn't been a big problem for me. Montreal is a place where bilingualism and tri-lingualism are not only common but part of the city's fabric that we appreciate, and learning to communicate and make friends across those potential divides has been one of the things I've enjoyed most about living here. You have to plunge in, make mistakes, be human and friendly, and not get discouraged if some people don't return your friendliness; others will.

The neighborhood where I used to live, Plateau Mont-Royal, was predominantly French, rather entitled, and somewhat closed-in on itself. Our new neighborhood, Cote-des-Neiges/Notre-Dame-de-Grace, is the most ethnically- and linguistically-mixed in the city, with some 48 languages spoken regularly in homes. In the elevators of our 12-story modern condo building, we hear neighbors speaking French, English, Chinese, Spanish, Yiddish, Russian, Italian, Arabic, Filipino, various Indo-Iranian languages, and many others. English, rather than French, is the most common language people use to say good morning and wish each other a good day. There is a huge Asian grocery market across the street, a Romanian charcuterie and bakery, and an eastern European/Russian/Ukrainian market around the corner; nearby on Victoria Avenue is a big kosher bakery, and that street is lined with Indian, Vietnamese, and Jewish restaurants and shops -- to name just a few - while in other directions the concentration shifts to African and Caribbean, Iranian and Turkish, Portuguese, Greek and Middle Eastern, Mexican and Latin American. Not only is this mixture invigorating for all the senses, it encourages me to learn some words in more languages and try to connect with the Chinese butcher, the Ukrainian woman behind the prepared-food-counter, the Romanian couple who run the charcuterie, the Israeli pharmacist, the Lebanese dry-cleaner, the Muslim car mechanic, the Filipino cleaning woman whose schedule is the same as mine for the pool locker room, the Greek fishmonger. But even more than that, living this way is a daily reminder that the people of the world actually can co-exist, and help each other to thrive.

We Montrealers do pretty well with that, but the situation is far from perfect. Outside the city itself, Quebec is much less diverse. The conservative provincial government has passed new laws ostensibly to strengthen and protect the French language -- which I agree should be protected -- but they are written in a way that discriminates against minorities. And hate crimes, while rare, do occur. Last night, in fact, there was a hit-and-run incident in a nearby neighborhood, captured on a closed-circuit camera, where a car accelerated toward a Hasidic woman pushing a baby carriage across the street, struck the carriage and dragged it for some distance before speeding away. The baby inside was miraculously unhurt. People are shocked and upset that this happened and a search is on to identify the car and its driver.

Of course, I'm coming to all of this from a position of privilege, both through my whiteness and my economic security. But because of being in a long-term, ethnically-mixed marriage, I'm sensitive to the lack of awareness, micro-aggressions and constant pressure to hold one's tongue that come from living in primarily white, privileged, homogeneous North American communities, and the self-protectiveness, frustration, depression, and anger that can result. It's very hard to change anything when people stay only in their own comfort zone -- which is, itself, a privilege -- and do whatever they can to protect that. I've been in the minority a lot, and it changes everything about your view: my empathy has come to lie with those who are considered "other".

In the end, breaking barriers comes down to familiarity, being human with each other, and finding our common ground. Yesterday I had to go into the center of Cote-des-Neiges for a blood test at the local CLSC. The Centre de prélèvement (testing/sampling) is on the third floor of a nondescript building; in the elevator with me were a staff woman with a cart of plastic containers filled with disposed syringes; an elderly Eastern European woman in a headscarf and heavy coat who could barely walk, supported by her daughter; and two young friends, one of whom stopped and leaned her head, eyes shut, against the wall after she got out, before entering the testing area. Oh dear, I thought, she's so afraid of something, maybe needles. If she hadn't had a companion, I would have spoken to her and tried to help.

The testing center is staffed by people who are just as diverse as what I've been describing, and they switch seamlessly between French and English; the receptionist and I spoke both languages during our exchange and I don't think either of us really thought about which one we were using. I had the same nurse as the last time I was there, and she gestured to me to sit in the comfortable chair near her work area. We spoke about the weather and how soon it was getting dark in the afternoons, as she noted the instructions and got out the proper vials. "Are you OK with blood tests?" she asked, as she prepared to tie the rubber band above my elbow. "I love them," I said, smiling. She said, "You're my first!!" and we both started laughing. "I won't faint, if that's what you mean," I added. "OK," she said, "One-two-three..." It didn't hurt much, and was over very soon. "You're good," I said, "that was pretty easy." "Thanks," she replied, fastening the gauze with some adhesive tape and smiling at me as she held it for a few moments. I got up, put on my coat, and wished her a good day, hoping that the woman from the elevator had survived her own ordeal and that someone had been kind to her, too.

On the way home, on the metro, I couldn't help noticing the young woman across from me, lost in her music. We are all living our own present moments, I thought, but in this urban environment, there are so many times when those moments intersect: opportunities to be interested in each other, and grow in sensitivity to the multiplicity of ways in which we are human.

Comments

[Kim]

I haven’t commented here in so long! I live on the edge of the Oklahoma City metro but work in a small town half an hour away that most people would call rural; there isn’t a grocery store for 15 miles. Oklahoma is mostly rural and while it is beautiful and people are generally friendly, the small communities are rather insular. If I were to say Bonjour in greeting the most likely response would be, “Come again?” Oklahoma is famously ultra conservative and I typically keep my political and social views to myself. I can make a difference here through my work; perhaps that’s why I stay. Your description of life in Montreal sounds inviting. My company has a plant in Montreal. Maybe I can find a reason to visit soon and experience Montreal for myself for a little while.

[Judith McGregor]

I hope you were able to show the young woman that wonderful sketch.
During my few years of daily sketching I found it to be an excellent way of attracting company. Reading a book can indicate the need for isolation, but a sketchbook seems to provide an invitation to stop for a chat, even if not multi-lingual.

[Duchesse]

I am buoyed by your experience and my similar ones! I find at least 95% of persons willing to switch languages, or bash away ignoring perfect grammar. On se débrouiller! Quebec provides a wealth of resources for newcomers to learn French and it will be ever more important, no matter what the age, role or mother tongue.

The other day I went to the neighbourhood hardware store to buy a broom, and suddenly could not remember the word for it. I said, "Où sont les baleines?? (Where are the whales?") instead of "balais" (broom).

[Sharyn Ekbergh]

HI Beth,
My computer screen is flickering and dying but, talk about privilege, a new one is arriving next week which will make reading and writing much easier.
When I lived in Montreal in the 70's I would shop at a large immigrant market. We were very poor so had a strict food budget. I could get groceries for a week and for 25 cents, the market would deliver. I'd walk home and the delivery van would be there soon after.
Halvah, dates, vegetables, fruit. People from all over the world.
Now in northern NH we're almost all white, the tourists are all white. In recent years we've gotten three Thai restaurants , one Indian, two Mexican and a convenient store owned by Sikhs. But we are a long long way from being multicultural.
In my home the family speaks Swedish, English and Finnish. I remember being in NYC and overhearing two women gossiping in Swedish thinking they were private. My husband leaned over as we left and commented...

[Gretchen Hall]

Yesterday when we had dear family members gathered (and thought lovingly of those absent, both of the moment and permanently), I was tempted to ask for each to share a thankfulness. But the group was having such a warm, happy conversation to accompany the delicious dinner that I decided to let the moment be its own joy. And it was.

[Natalie d'Arbeloff]

Beth! I love your watercolour of the woman on the metro. I look forward to seeing more of your people-drawings. Did you have time to draw her in the metro or did you manage to snap a photo first? It's always a problem to do this without being seen!

[Beth]

Kim, please do come and visit! Where I grew up is very rural and conservative too, and yet I love the people there for their friendliness and readiness to help. My father used to say, "It takes all kinds to make a world" and I try to remember that. I'm glad I grew up in a place that gave me sensitivity as to why people have trouble processing and accepting what feels unfamiliar. You're right that you can make a difference by staying, through your work -- more so than in a big city like this. I sometimes think about that choice.

Thanks, Judith. No, I got off the train only having snapped a photo and committed an impression of her to memory. I'll probably never see her again! You're quite right though -- I've met a number of people through sketching - someone always stops by and wants to see and chat.

Duchesse, yes, I bet all Montrealers have favorite stories of bilingual successes and mistakes. I love your balais and baleines!

Hi Sharyn, I'm glad to know your area now has those ethnic restaurants! That's new since we used to come over and ski there. But your home reflects the Scandinavian heritage (and ski history) of that region -- that's really special. (Funny story, too.)

Gretchen, it's true that sometimes the moment is more meaningful when we don't explicitly name how we're feeling. I'm sure there was plenty of gratitude around your real (and virtual) tables on Thanksgiving, whether it was voiced or not.

Natalie, I might have had time for a quick sketch but she was only a few feet away from me and I felt it would be intrusive, so I snapped a quick surreptitious photo on my phone and worked from that when I got home, using the time on the train to make a strong mental image of what I wanted to emphasize. I don't do enough people-drawing; thanks for the encouragement.